i’ve had a funny ole time
but the lad’s back tomorrow
so everything’s fine
i’ve been keepin right busy
i’ve been doin a lot
i’ve avoided my flat
i’ve been stayin well shot
i fell for a barman
who looked kinda like my man
but I was just wantin
a way to pass time
he might have had mystery
but we ant got the ‘istory
so he can fuck off
he’s got nothin on dear D
it’s been good overall
been avin a ball
i suppressed all the pining
instead i stood tall
workin and dancin
i’ve been gallavanting
but i’m gettin right tired
now i need some romancing
it’s been 4½ years
since we became dears
here’s to the next lot
cheers cheers cheers
POST ART SCHOOL / DEGREE SHOW etc
So, after all the build-up and prepping and priming and editing and critiquing and presenting and openings and invigilating and taking down it’s all done! Fin! I’m feeling surprisingly fantastic actually, it’s like all the angst around ‘WHAT AM I GON’ DO WHEN I GRADUATE?!’ is over because I’ve finished and I’ve got a sweet lil job for now and then we’ll see. The reality is it’s all done, and now is just now, and I can literally make and do whatever I want to. Lots of people bothered to tell me they really enjoyed my video, which is lovely, they seemed to ‘get’ it too, like, I didn’t have to tell people what it was about or what my art is because they watch it and that’s it, you either dig it or you don’t.
How boring eh! Ha!
I don’t feel lost at all. (yet). I feel very comfortable and balanced. SO THERE GERI OF THE LAST FEW YEARS! TAKE THAT FUTURE ANXIETY!
where’s my car?
(dude, where’s my darling?)
'This here lonely hour'
This here is the lonely hour
I’ve stopped turning the lights on at night so that my body knows it’s night and adjusts its circadian rhythms accordingly
But I reckon the glow from this here laptop screen may prevent that
something to do with melanin or melatonin or whatever
I could make a newhive but this will do for now
This is the lonely hour but only at this longitude
it’s not the lonely hour where he is
He is 6 or 7 hours ahead, in 40c heat. He is probably perspiring slightly in a deep sleep as the sunlight starts to pour in. A tiny salty reservoir may be forming in his philtrum
(you thought that was a sexy area for a second didn’t you reader? well it is sexy but not in that way)
and I can pretty much taste it. I can feel the heat of his cheek and I can see his Hollywood face.
[one day at a time]
but I don’t want to take it one day at a time, because that means one day 17 times
Instead I think ‘it’s been a week, it’s only that 2 and a half more times’
some things never lose their shine
when you take a number of selfies cos you liked your makeup and didn’t want it to go to waste and wanted to preserve some memory of this weird evening with family and degree art school colliding in this private view which is well cool but a bit weird then gsa had a fire which is really sad and it’s all over really that’s my degree done and pretty soon i won’t have that really nice safety net of a place to go or a student card or a library or 24hour access to pcs and software and technology and projectors and all that shit and maybe i’ll just make more work online which is maybe good but i’m also really happy with my degree show vid which is partly up on my new revamped website which is also this tumblr blog wow now in the big bad world but basically just wanted to say good night and isn’t it funny how we take photos of ourselves for some reason so we can put ourselves out into the world but we only put the best one up but here is all 8 that i took instead in a gif so there
majestic White Out by Kwannon
what rurally based / non-city jobs/careers can you enter with a degree in contemporary art? i just really like green dewy planty air and want to live somewhere hilly and rivery and lush. basically, I want to retire to the country at 22, but I need an income to do this.
The agricultural sector seems pretty down on attracting ‘young blood’, but so much of agriculture / capitalism centres around ‘meat production’, which I don’t really wanna faciliatate tbh. You get all these smug people like Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Alex James who are millionaires going on about country living and living off the land or whatever but they can only do it because they’re millionaires!
But I’m not doing this whole rat race artist pursuit of success desperate for some kind of exterior validation when no one really cares what you do or say, especially not the internet, especially when everyone else has their own rat race agenda all-pervading sense of being busy but always on the brink of something better but never quite there, or if I am it ain’t gonna be from a city centre flat, I’ll tell ya now.
Or maybe it’s better to just carry on as I am but it feels rather funny to literally not have any more academic requirements to fulfil or not to have to create anything ever again. Basically this is a very roundabout way of shouting into the weird universe internet vortex that is the internet ‘I’ve finished my degree now what?’ but also knowing that it doesn’t matter that much what I ‘do’ because as long as I get out on nice walks with nice people and eat nice food and read / listen to / engage with rich and rewarding and in some way affirming things, it doesn’t matter how you make the dough.
The other day I was all depressed and pathetic and I sat playing with my food and I said to d-bone in this flat lame tone of voice ‘Everyone just worries about what to do to get money so they can stay alive, but no one ever questions whether being alive is even worth it’
and he responded in the only way you can respond to someone when they are indulging in their own angsty humourless existential suicidey contemplations … he said (in a ‘well done’ sort of mocking way, obvs): ’You know what, you’re probably the first person that’s ever thought that! You should be on TV! You should write that down!’ and I couldn’t help but laugh, and that’s what you need when you are down like that, some small tiny thing to make you crack a smile despite the misery you’re so intent on maintaining and indulging in for whatever weird masochistic reason. Or because you want to remain in that ‘pure’ state for some time, or you feel that it’s the pure state, the shell that remains when all the hopes and ideals and illusions are stripped away and what’s left if the pure you, the real you without the belief that anything on the horizon will bring anything good, the you that just exists suspended in this state of pure experience starey eyed etc
—- I DIGRESS!!! —-
given the fact that you have to get the $$$ somehow, what is the least soul-destroying way to do so? but given the feeling outlined above, a feeling that will always be there whatever I do (whatever any of us do?)
SORRY, I DIGRESS AGAIN, I’ve basically answered my own question haven’t I? because whatever I do, whatever job, activity etc, I’m always going to feel down a lot, so it doesn’t really matter. Like, I’m really happy at the moment, but still so not, but that’s ok, that’s just me, and it always will be, so it doesn’t matter how I make money, because anything I do I’ll find a way to be depressed by it!
omg that is a source of such liberation
Omg I’ve got a rush of adrenaline! fuck! I’ve got that uppers feeling in my chest and cheeks! WTF? It’s really that simple!
It doesn’t matter what I do! Because I’ll just carry on as I am, as I always have been, AND MAYBE I’M AT PEACE WITH THAT!!! YAY
it’d be real nice to live rurally asap
where you can open your window or go out of your front door and there’s a garden and grass and trees and valleysides and that oh-so-soothing smell of plants
Just this evening, d-bone & I ‘took the air’ … we went down to the river, down to t’Waters of Leith, and walked along as it was getting dark and the sun was starting to set and the clouds were orange/pink. And the bloody smell, the goddam smell of the leaves after that thunderstorm, it was intoxicating! It was a rush of pure … calm … ah. And then we walked along the river and there was just bloody lush green trees everywhere, greener than anything you’ve ever seen, greener than any man-made green, it’s just that pigment, that limey green richness. Oh hell, it’s sublime! And we saw a heron catch a fish, and, there was just this beautiful freshness in the air after the storm.
that’s what it’s all about
'take the air'